


Nobody's Worth It (Nobody Cares)

by RDcantRead



Series: Keeping His Thoughts To Himself (He'd Be Leaving Soon) [4]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brian Needs a Hug, Character Death, Character Study, Depressed Brian May, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad Brian May
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 18:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20821706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RDcantRead/pseuds/RDcantRead
Summary: Brian wants to think that he noticed before it happened.He didn't.





	Nobody's Worth It (Nobody Cares)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Don't Try Suicide" by Queen

Brian wants to think that he noticed before it happened. He wants to think that he saw that a friend was struggling. (He doesn't think about the fact that that would have meant that he hadn't done anything.)

That he'd be a good enough friend to see when Roger was struggling, that he wasn't so consumed by what he was going through that he could see that Roger was in a bad place.

But the truth is that he _ hadn't _noticed. That his own issues blinded him to what was going on. His own issues with the previous album, his depression, what he was going through with Chrissie. 

He doesn't like remembering the day he found out. He doesn't like remembering Roger's cold skin, his nonexistent breathing, his _ unnaturalness. _

His dreams are plagued with images of Roger, his guilt infested brain telling him that he's to blame, that this wouldn't have happened if he'd have been a better friend, if he'd have spent more time with Roger.

The truth is, he knows that what happened, no matter whose fault it is (and he knows it's his), was a tragedy, that what happened should never have happened to someone as bright and beautiful as Roger. That Roger didn't deserve it. 

He's lost a friend. A brother, someone he could depend on, someone he _ loved. _

And he doesn't know how to cope with it. He'll never see Roger again, never hear his sun-bright laughter, never feel his touch beckoning him back from the edge, never…

Roger's gone, and he's not coming back. He's _ never _ coming back. He's left him alone, and Brian doesn't know how Roger could be so _ selfish_. How he couldn't think about how _ other _people felt. 

And Brian's so _ guilty _ for how he's feeling. He shouldn't be angry at his friend. And he's angry at himself because of it. There's no one there to keep him from falling anymore. There's no one there to hold him close and tell him that it's alright. 

He thinks he knows how Roger felt before it happened. He thinks he knows how lonely and isolated he'd felt. He thinks… 

It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing he can do now will change what Roger did. Nothing he can say can change what happened.

So why bother?

Why bother getting up and getting dressed? Why bother going out and recording? Why bother doing anything at all?

He knows that Freddie and John love him. That they care for him, that they wouldn't want him to wallow in grief and despair. They'd want him to do something, to stop being a miserable sod and live a little.

But how can he live when his best friend is dead? 

How can he live when his best friend _killed_ _himself?_

And it's all his fault. His fault for not noticing what was going on, his fault for being so selfish as to not see past himself. His fault. 

He doesn't see neither Freddie nor John for two weeks following the incident. He goes to the funeral, of course, but other than that, he hasn't seen hide nor hair of either of his remaining band mates.

He doesn't think he can face them at all after this, he doesn't think they can continue what they've got going on without Roger. 

Queen goes on a radio silence for a month after Roger's suicide, and Brian is especially silent, even after the others band together in the face of this wretched adversity. Even after they've all tried to comfort each other, even after he sees the pressure Freddie's under to keep them from falling.

And he knows that Freddie is trying his best, but he can't help but be angry at him. Roger's _ dead_, and staying positive and afloat won't change that.

Besides, it's too late to stop him from falling, seeing as he's already fell, so very far, and he doesn't know how he's ever going to stop. 

Brian comes out of his house for the first time in a while to papers questioning Roger's suicide, to journalists slandering them and their name. He sees thousands upon thousands of fans professing their love for their drummer, thousands of people mourning, crying, _ remembering_.

And it _ hurts_. It hurts so fucking bad, and Brian doesn't know how he should feel when it comes to their fans. He's so awed by their show of love and faith, so amazed by how much they support them.

He doesn't know how he'll ever feel better, especially with how numb and empty and _ awful _ he's feeling. It isn't all about Roger anymore, it's about _ him_. It's about how he's feeling, how he's coping.

And he's so aware of how he's been neglecting his family, how he's left Chrissie alone with two kids, one of them only two years old. He's so aware of how he hasn't seen his kids properly since before the incident, despite his problems with his marriage with Chrissie. 

And he understands why Chrissie's keeping the kids away from him, but it hurts that she feels the need to do that, that he's so unstable that he can't see them. That he can't be trusted with them.

And he, reluctantly, agrees. He agrees that he can't be trusted, he hadn't done anything that was worthy of others' trust, in fact, he had done the opposite. 

He had practically killed Roger himself, he had pushed away his best friends when they needed him most, he had ignored everyone else's reaction to Roger's suicide. 

It's been two months. Things have changed so much, and yet, so very little. But Brian isn't sure how he got through two months be can barely remember. Queen had sued the papers for slander, but Brian doesn't care about the amount of money they can get from a tragedy of epic proportions. 

And it is a tragedy. A spark as bright as Roger snuffed out so early. Too early. And it makes Brian wish with all his heart that it was him instead of Roger. Roger's death is haunting him so long after it happened, so long after he had fallen. 

And he so desperately wants, no, needs, to get better. He misses his family, his friends, he misses the laughter, the music, he misses the easy camaraderie, he misses Queen. But mostly he misses Roger. His bright laughter and his sunshine smile. But he _ has _to move on, not completely, not ever, but a bit. 

He wants to see his family again. He wants to hold Jimmy close as he pleads for him to read him a story. He wants to see Louisa again, for her to cuddle up to him at night after a nightmare. He misses them so much.

And he misses his best friends, his band mates, pieces of his soul. He wants to support John and Freddie like Freddie's supported him. He wants to hold his Old Lady as she sings out the most intricate melody. 

He wants to honour Roger. Not by sinking into a bottomless depression, but by continuing. And he _ wishes _that it had never happened, that everything had stayed the same. But what's done is done, and it can never be undone.

He wants to _ get better_. He wants to stop feeling guilty every time he thinks of Roger. He wants to smile properly, for it not to feel forced. 

He doesn't think he'll ever get over it, and he's kind of glad that he won't, he doesn't want to ever forget, but he will continue on. He will march onwards. No matter what happens.


End file.
